Friday, January 4, 2013

Breaking News: I will be the new Chicago Bears head coach

You heard it here first.

I will be interviewing for the open head coaching vacancy with the Chicago Bears.  Technically, they haven't set a date for the interview process yet, but they will.

I've made a formal request to Rick Telander, sports columnist for the Chicago SunTimes and fellow former Peorian, asking that he help me get my coversheet and resume to Halas Hall.  I've never met Rick nor have I conversed with him, but I'm very confident that he'll help a hometown friend and loyal reader...whom he didn't know existed until about 15 minutes ago (about 11:45 pm, January 3, 2013) when my email popped up in his inbox.

I'm sure he'll respond first thing in the morning.  If he does agree to help, my ascent to Chicago football legendary status is all but assured.

I've posted both documents below so you can be witness to the most unlikely Cinderella fairy tale you'll ever see.  I'll keep you apprised on any and all further developments.

Wish me luck.

Chicago Bears Head Coach Coversheet
Chicago Bears Head Coach Resume

I've also pasted the cover sheet below in case the images don't render well in your browser:

Attention:  Phil Emery, General Manager, Chicago Bears
Hallas Hall, 1920 Conway Drive, Lake Forest, IL 60045
Re: Chicago Bears Head Coach vacancy
From: Peter Brainard, Jr.

Dear Mr. Emery,
                I understand the Chicago Bears are searching for a new head coach.  Please accept my resume as evidence of my sincere interest in interviewing for this esteemed position in the NFL's original flagship organization.
People across the nation assume that a head coach should be the embodiment of wisdom, temperance, fortitude and justice.  While I may not have those traits, I do have other virtues, such as ambition, resourcefulness, courage and devotion.  Allow me to explain.
What do Chicago Bears fans expect of a head coach?  To win. 
What does a coach do if he cannot win?  Aha!  That's where I excel.

Let's look at history from a fan's view:
1982: Mike Ditka hired.
1985: Mike Ditka wins Superbowl XX.
1992: Mike Ditka fired.
1993: Dave Wannstedt hired.
1998: Dave Wannstedt fired.
1999: Dick Jauron hired.
2003: Dick Jauron fired.
2004: Lovie Smith hired.
2012: Lovie Smith fired.

What?  The Bears won the Central Division title numerous times?  They were in Superbowl XLI?

That's great!  How many Superbowls did they win?  One in 1985.  The rest is nothing but asterisks on a page pointing to historical footnotes in Bears history.

You see, until you win the big one you have ethereal accomplishments which are as weightless as a shadow on the wall.  That is, unless your head coach is memorable.
I can be memorable. 
The way I see it, the Chicago Bears are destined to exist in a state of mediocrity.  Hey, there's nothing wrong with mediocrity.  Someone has to be a stepping-stone for the greats.  Chicago made Brett Favre a Midwestern god.  They're making Adrian Peterson look like a handsome, futuristic, mutant man-cheetah-cyborg-robot.  It's what they do.  They are perhaps the greatest mediocre team to ever grace an NFL field.

We shouldn't expect our coaches to be king-makers in Chicago.  More than anything, Chicagoans want the leaders of their beloved teams to be memorable and make ESPN highlight reels. 
If chosen to represent the esteemed Chicago Bears as the next head coach, I promise to do the following:

  • Reply to all media questions in a sarcastic tone whether the team wins or loses and say things like, "How will we stop the run next week?  I don't know, Mr. Bachelor's Degree in Creative Writing, how would you stop printing diarrhea and calling it journalism?"
  • Mock female reporters in pantsuits who insist they're as capable as their male colleagues.  I know, right?
  • Bench any player who does a print ad for cologne or dances the foxtrot on TV.
  • Fire any player who does a black and white print ad for cologne while giving a "smoldering" look.
  • At some point, get arrested for a DUI and claim to have only been taking back pills.
  • To never say "erectile dysfunction" in public unless I'm threatening a reporter, as in, "You pussy, I'll kick you so goddamn hard, you'll have erectile dysfunction for the rest of your natural born life, then I'll dig you up out of your grave to repeatedly kick you in the balls until your eternal soul needs a prescription for Cialis."
  • Actively petition the McCaskeys for a cheerleading squad in order to ensure that players will keep paternity scandals within Halas Hall's walls.
  •  To start a stroke victim in place of a mamby-pamby dilettante of a quarterback, if necessary.
  • Throw any player, coach, team executive or owner under the bus during press conferences, then apologize later claiming that the media took my comments out of context.
  • Hurl folding chairs at the kicker on the sideline for any missed field goals or extra points and make him sit on the ground because only winners sit on the bench.

 As I've clearly illustrated, Mr. Emery, my virtues are apparent. 
I'm ambitious.  Not to win games, but to keep my job. 
I'm resourceful.  I'll find innovative ways to shift blame from myself to others.
I'm courageous.  Not on the field of battle, but there are many forms of courage.
I'm devoted.  To entertain the mob because in the end, win or lose, the people want a spectacle.

I look forward to beginning the interview process, Mr. Emery.  I'm a confident man.  So confident, in fact, that I encourage...nay...I implore you to interview me last. 

Contact every bushy-mustachioed, balding, fat, artery-clogged, fashion-challenged, pseudo-intellectual football "genius" you can find.  Then call me when you realize that no matter what clipboard toting lard-ass in a windbreaker you bring into your office, none will bring glory to Chicago. 

In that realization, you'll understand that I am what you need.  Someone who will make the people of Chicago raise their pudgy, pale, grease-stained fists into the air and shout offensive epithets as I rain mind-numbing entertainment upon our gritty, beer-soaked metropolis.

Salary will not be an obstacle in our negotiations.  Just take whatever you paid Lovie Smith and pay me the amount he paid in taxes because I can assure you, that will be a virtual windfall for me.

                                                                              Thank you for your time.
                                                                                           Peter Brainard, Jr.


tcjock said...

I hope you sent the email with a read receipt. It's useful in knowing when to send the follow up thank you email and bottle of whiskey.

tcjock said...

I hope you sent the email with a read receipt. It's useful in knowing when to send the follow up thank you email and bottle of whiskey.